Three years ago, the roles were reversed. I was laying in a hospital bed, anxious about a procedure on my throat. You were with me every step and made sure to calm me down when I was terrified to stay overnight in a hospital. As uncomfortable as sleeping in a hospital bed was, I didn’t know how uncomfortable the couch was. You’re my mom, and you made it known you wouldn’t let anything bad happen to me.

Last night I slept on the couch beside your hospital bed. The leather squeaks, often waking you. The nurses and other patients speak as if people aren’t trying to sleep. The entrances and exits are never-ending, between checking your blood pressure, changing your IV bag, or even just asking how you are. It’s a blessing to be cared for, but the sleep deprivation sets in immediately upon arrival.

I see you wearing the ring you got for Christmas, the same one that matches the one you gave me. Two crosses connected, with the message inside of the packaging as follows: “Pray on it. Pray over it. Pray through it.” And that’s exactly what has been happening.

I’ve lifted up prayers on your behalf. I’ve lifted up prayers of thanksgiving because so many different things fell into place for me to be with you. I’ve lifted up prayers of desperation, crying out to God and begging Him not to take you from me. I’ve lifted up prayers praising Him because it’s treatable, it’s fixable, and it’s not a complicated procedure. But most of all I’ve lifted up prayers out of fear and concern…because having someone you love in the hospital is never the ideal situation.

You’ve had friends, co-workers, and family members who lifted up prayers because they love you and want you to feel better. You’ve had nurses wait on you and communicate information about what is to come. You’ve had staff clean up the room, ensuring you’re comfortable. You’ve had Jesus with you, watching over you and ordering events exactly how they were supposed to be in order for me to be able to be with you.

See people don’t normally believe miracles still happen these days. But I disagree. The story of me getting to you last night was a miracle. I had so many things that had to fall in place for me to be with you. And here I am, sitting by your side. I was able to talk to my professors and miss two finals, pack all of my dorm room up in about 1 hour, have 7 friends help me load things and take belongings to a storage unit in about 2 hours and then be immediately on the road. You can’t tell me God’s provision does not prevail. And you can’t tell me miracles don’t exist.

Thank you, Lord, for taking control and working things out better than I could work them out in my mind. Thank you for the grace my professors have shown and the sacrificial love my friends have embodied. Thank you for sitting on the leather couch before I could make it here, offering my mom support even when she felt alone. Thank you for this “beautiful adventure” called family. May our love and support of one another be a picture of Your love. Amen.

If I were to choose a word to best describe my life right now, it would be “change.” On the outside, and without disclosing a lot about my personal circumstances, this change may seem negative. But contrary to what people may think, I knew that each decision I made was carefully thought out and would bring me more long term happiness.

Change is hard. Sometimes I feel like my path is straight and my direction is clear. But other times I feel like there are yield signs, wrong turns, and even roundabouts. When you’re in the midst of change, I think it’s natural to second guess if you made the right decision. And I have to remember to not be so hard on myself. I am on a journey, and there is a reason I had to make each of those hard decisions. While I sometimes question each decision, I know that there is a greater purpose for me than is dependent on prior goals and dreams. Part of what God is teaching me is that your dreams sometimes change. It doesn’t mean you quit them, and it doesn’t mean you failed at reaching them. It just means that He has put a different desire in your heart, and you have to be okay with accepting that, even if that dream was all you once knew.

I try to be strong, and for the most part I think I’m handling change really well. But when someone asks what happened and I break down, it’s a reminder that I may be pushing down emotions of how life is really affecting me. I am an individual first and foremost, a human being who changes as the seasons change, but is ultimately rooted in His love. I am no longer afraid to make hard decisions in life because I have seen how good they can turn out. It hurts like hell in the moment. Hell, it hurts like hell for a while. But as tough as walking away may be in life, it is sometimes for the better. I can confidently say that these changes have made me reevaluate a lot of things in life. And while it’s tough, change is necessary. Change should be welcome. It’s taught me to trust in Him when I have a gut feeling. It’s taught me to put Him first. So I urge you not just to “change.” But I urge you to “change” your perceptions and your hesitations on “change” itself.

I have to remember that I am 19. I am changing constantly: what I like and dislike, what I look like, what I want to do in the future, and what I choose to spend my time and energy on. There are plenty other examples but those are the first that come to mind. Each part of me is changing and maturing everyday. Change should not feared; it is a natural part of life that we need to learn to embrace. While the change itself may not seem good, I hope the change brings you closer to being like Him and treating others like He would. Change for the better and for the Kingdom, not just because Instagram or reality tv says you should change.

Most of all, I want to encourage you. You… whoever is reading this. You will go through change. And your change in your life may look different than my change based on the phase of life you’re in. But no matter the case, we all go through change. Recognize it. Embrace it. And do your best to stay positive during it. You are seen. You are loved. And you are by no means alone.

Thank you, God, for this humbling time that I get to experience change. Thank you for making it difficult but also something I can get through. Thank you for giving me a great community that has surrounded me and encouraged me through the hard times. Thank you for opening my eyes to the little things that make me happy: music, balconies, mornings, and reading. Thank you for this “beautiful adventure” of uncovering my strength through You.

Before we start warm ups for our volleyball game, one person from the team will lead a devotion. Tonight I had the privilege of leading devotions. I had a teammate comment on how she really liked it. She went so far as to say, “Lauren that was really good! You need to post that on your blog.” That meant the world to me because 1) She liked my devotion and 2) She went even further to remember I had a blog and thought it would fit within the scope of my blog. So here it is…copy and pasted from my notes:

Ezra 10:4 “Rise up; this matter is in your hands. We will support you, so take courage and do it.”

Micah 7:8 “Do not gloat over me, my enemy! Though I have fallen, I will rise. Though I sit in darkness, the Lord will be my light.”

Proverbs 24:16 “For though the righteous fall seven times, they rise again, but the wicked stumble when calamity strikes.”

When I think of sunshine, it makes me happy. It brings joy. It brings light. But most of all it brings hope. It makes me realize that no matter what pain happens in the night, the sun will rise in the morning. The sun goes up and the sun goes down. It’s a constant cycle. 

When we’re on the court, we are like the sun. We have really good moments, but we also make mistakes. Our personal performance goes up, but no one is perfect, so it will go down. Volleyball is a continuous cycle in that way… especially with momentum shifts. But I think we can all agree that we like the sunshine. So we need to capitalize on the sunshine on our team. Use the serving runs. Score five points to the other teams 1 point. Continue to play smarter rather than harder. 

But we also can’t forget that even when the sun sets, we still have the moon, which lights up even the darkest times. While the sun rises and goes in cycle, so does the moon. It’s the same way with ourselves. It’s easy to be the sunshine on the team when everything is going right. But who is willing to step up and be the moon in the dark times? When we’ve been stuck in a rotation for 6 points, who is going to encourage the person next to them? Who will be pulled from the game and have their position in jeopardy but cheer louder than ever while on the bench? Someone may be in the sunshine while the team as a whole is still in the dark. But use that darkness and change our attitudes and remember we still have the moon. Use exactly where you are and the role you are asked to play and be 100% in it to win it. Being the moon is harder. But if we all decide to be the moon, it makes being the sun a lot easier as well.

Let’s “rise up” to the occasion and pull out this win in our attitudes and in our play.

Thank you, Lord, for the sport that I love and the impact it has had on me since my childhood. Thank you for the lessons it has taught me on and off the court. Thank you for teammates that I will be friends with for the rest of my life. Thank you for the teammates that I won’t be: they taught me how to handle conflict with grace and humility. Thank you for inspiring my writing. My creative ability stems from You because You are a creator. Thank you for this “beautiful adventure” of pep talks, encouragement, and symbolism.

I’ve been participating in a Bible Study with some of my volleyball teammates since last year. Our first study this season is entitled “Get Out of Your Head.” I cannot emphasize how impactful this video series has been. We find ourselves thinking one negative thing, one lie from the Devil, and then we spiral out of control. Our minds are a weapon, and they are more powerful than we’d like to admit. We’ve been learning how to fill our minds with Truth and battle our chaotic minds with each passing thought.

This week, we were given a challenge. We did some individual reflection activities, but then we were given a task to complete before the next study. We were to ask at least two people that are close to us “In what area(s) of my life do you think I need to mature?”

If that hit you like a boulder, join the team. I grew up with siblings who were 10 & 14 years older than me. I’d always been called mature for my age. So when I heard this question, my immediate response was pride.

Let me cue you in on some of my thoughts that all came to me in a matter of seconds: “I don’t think ‘mature’ would be a good way to word it…that would imply I’m immature in an area of my life.” “Lauren, be real, you already know good and well at least one area you can ‘mature’ in…you talk about this all the time.” “Ugh, but if I ask someone these questions they’re going to think that I don’t think I’m mature and so they’ll in turn think I’m not mature.”

That right there is a spiral (insert laughing emoji). No, but for real…why were my initial thoughts concerned about what others thought of me or the particular wording of the question? Why was “maturity” seeming to trigger that response in me?

I think I quickly came to the realization that it is OKAY to be immature in specific things. Immaturity shows imperfection. Imperfection is inevitable. We are not called to live in that state. We are called to grow. But we also can’t change this ourselves: we must rely on God in order to reveal how to mature.

I have tried and tried and tried to mature in some areas of my life…areas that are personal. And unfortunately I continue to make mistakes and hurt people. But I also continue to revert to old habits when I know God wants me to create new ones. God wants me to trust in Him and His timing, yet I reveal my immaturity when I trust in myself more than I trust in God.

These close, trusted friends revealed things to me that I was familiar with in my life. However, I was not pushed to fully acknowledge them until this week. Our pride gets in the way and clouds our vision. I knew I was immature in these areas, but my stubborn heart didn’t want me to DO anything about it. But as Christians, we are only as strong as the weakest, most unaddressed parts of our heart. How can I expect to help others grow in their faith if I don’t fully acknowledge I also need to grow in mine?

I knew I wasn’t perfect. I know I’m still not perfect. I also know that my human heart can be arrogant, stubborn, and judgmental. These are the worst parts of me. That is who I am without Jesus. But thank the Lord we DO have Jesus. Because through the Holy Spirit, He revealed to me that I AM that way, but I don’t have to STAY that way. When we acknowledge the faults in ourselves, it becomes a lot easier to have grace for others. It becomes a lot easier to extend mercy and forgiveness because I know what I am like when I forget to have a mind that’s set on Him.

I think sometimes I do well encouraging others and speaking life into them. “God wants you and your full attention.” “You were created by Him, and He knows every intricate detail about you.” “God has a plan for you, and it is okay for you to live day by day trusting Him but still not understanding what it is He has called you to.” But then I struggle to apply this to my own life. I think what I need to remember is the “And even if…” phrase. Let me explain…hopefully you’ll find it useful as well.

And even if I don’t ever get married and have a family…God still loves me more than anyone on this world could. And even if I change my career plans five times…God is still constant and directing me on a path that will lead to rewards in Heaven. And even if I’m immature…God still has the power to shape, mold, and restore my heart.

We all have worries and fears and situations we need to address. But instead of asking “well what if _______?” I challenge you to make it a statement by saying “and even if…” “Well what if I suffer from an injury and can’t play the sport I love?” vs. “And even if I get injured and can’t play the sport I love, God still sees me as worthy and having a purpose.” Go even further and speak Truth into your mind every time you find yourself battling your thoughts. Learn how to fight the spiral and immerse yourself in His goodness.

Abba, Father, thank you for this Bible Study that has become a regular part of my routine and has consistently spoken Truth into my life. Thank you for those that participate in it and for those that were willing to speak to me about the immaturity in my life. I pray that my heart does not become hardened or immune to the redemptive power of You. I pray that we all acknowledge our imperfection but also acknowledge that growth is a necessary, yet never ending, journey. Thank you for this “beautiful adventure” of awakening. After all, “And even if __________, You are still good.”

A lot has happened since my last post. I’m back at college, back in volleyball season, and back to my “go go go” schedule. Despite the fast paced living and 17.5 credit hours, I am blessed to say I’m thriving.

Sometimes people say they are “living their best life.” For me, I want to take this opportunity to openly share some joyful experiences in my life right now. This past month has made me want to scream “thank you” to God because I am definitely on the mountaintop right now.

Relationships // My life feels like a complete 180 compared to Fall of last year. Recap: I had surgery on my throat and didn’t have a voice when I came to college. And it didn’t get any better until spring semester. So I was shy, unwilling to start conversations and put myself out there for the fear that people would physically not hear me. Here I am now walking to class saying hi to 5 people I know, speaking up when professors ask questions, calling “mine” on the court, and cheering so loud I get lightheaded. It sure is good to have a voice and to be able to simply communicate with others. I am thankful for the hardship and the lessons I learned, but I’m also thankful for this season of “high” because building intentional relationships is something I once took for granted.

Mid-Day Mental Breaks // Call it cheesy. Call it a waste of money. I call it necessary. Cam and I have started a trend called “Mid-day Mental Breaks” where once a week we go get lunch at a place we’ve never eaten at. 1) This has really made me explore both Elizabethton and Johnson City. 2) This breaks up a hard day or a hard week. 3) Naturally this lets Cam and me catch up and continue to build our friendship. I am grateful my school and volleyball schedule worked out the way they did. I am able to have “spur of the moment” adventures like this. I truly don’t feel like my social life is suffering, which is a big praise being a collegiate student athlete.

Outdoor Adventures // Thanks to my friend Chase, I’ve explored more of the mountains in East TN in the past three weeks than I did all of my freshman year of college. It’s also a bonus that he’s a photographer and captures super great pics while we’re on these adventures. Roan Mountain. Beauty Spot. Buff Mountain. Elk River Falls. And the list will continue. I am in awe of His creation every time we travel to these places. God is an artist. God is a creator. God keeps me in awe.

Classes // Life is much more enjoyable when the things you’re studying are interesting. My 3 education classes are entertaining and very applicable for what I will be doing in the future. Reading my textbooks is no longer a struggle…who would’ve thought that? That tells you right there that the classes are not just busy work but rather things I enjoy learning about.

My cross cultural psychology class has been eye opening. Our professor has tailored the class readings and assignments to shed a light on racism and white privilege: two aspects of American society that have developed more attention this year. I’m learning, but I’m also growing as a person, and I think that’s the point of a college education.

I’ve never had experience with graphic design. We are working in Adobe Illustrator, and it’s different to say the least. However, I’ve been pleasantly surprised. It’s basically “painting” but with a mouse. Hopefully my technical skill will improve and who knows, maybe I’ll design a billboard someday.

Spanish 3…rough. But I’m learning! There are lots of online activities, but they help me learn the material, and I actually find them pretty entertaining. I know, nerdy. I hope to become better at communicating and understanding Spanish because again, I can see God having me use that as an ESL teacher, while serving on mission trips, or something else. Side note: Literally no idea where I’ll end up in 3 years. Oh well. There’s something pretty liberating about that though. No pressure to figure it all out.

Spiritual // I’ve found myself looking forward to the spiritual activities I have immersed myself in while at college. I enjoy being on Vespers Committee and attending the service every Sunday night. I enjoy going to drive-in church at First Christian. I enjoy spending time in the word and in prayer while sipping on my morning coffee. I don’t have it all together…and I’ve gone a few days where I miss my devotion! But I can tell a difference in my attitude, in the way I treat people, and in my mindset when I’m not intentionally striving to move closer to God. I am thankful there are so many opportunities in the place God has put me where I can 1) grow in my faith and 2) serve others in the hopes that their faith will also grow.

Music // Super thankful for the new Spotify playlist I found called “Everyday Inspiration” that continues to put me in a good mood. Some songs that have really been speaking to my soul include:

1) Over and Over by Riley Clemmons 2) Fighting for Me by Riley Clemmons 3) Who Am I by NEEDTOBREATHE 4) You by Apollo LTD 5) Peace Be Still by Hope Darst

God, thank you so much for this mountaintop of ultimate highs in my life right now. Life is full of hills and valleys. I pray that in this time, you give me the desire to speak Truth, encouragement, and love into every person I come across. In the low times, it’s harder to see the good, but right now, I am so grateful for the blessings in my life. May I use this time to intentionally speak to others about the goodness in my life because it is all there because of You. When the hard times come, help me remember You are with me just as much as you are with me in the good times. Thank you for this “beautiful adventure” where I can “raise some praise” because Your love, Your plan, and Your purpose for my life are far greater than anything I can create by myself.

Sunshine-direct sunlight unbroken by a cloud, especially over a comparatively large area

Statistics show that it has rained the past 8 Monday’s in a row here in Jackson. Kinda funny in my opinion. Seems like with the pandemic that there’s a correlation between that and the rain we feel that is destroying our lives. Only…isn’t the same rain that is usually associated with depressed moods, isolated behavior, and devastating floods also the same rain that allows things to grow?

I know I’m not the only one, but sometimes when you have so much rain, it’s hard to remember the life-giving feeling that sun provides. But I think if we had sun 24/7, we’d take it for granted…just like we took simple things for granted before COVID-19.

I sit here in my hammock, sun beaming, feeling the most relaxed I’ve felt in weeks. I close my eyes and feel heat being drawn into my body. From my head to my toes, my body feels at peace. The more I feel it, the more sun I want to receive. The more I focus on it, the happier I get. The more I am thankful for it, the more I realize it is such a gift to have.

Do me a favor..go reread the last 3 sentences of that paragraph. Remind you of anything? Hey, you’re right…Jesus!!

I’ve consistently found in my life that the more I pour into Jesus, the more I want to CONTINUE putting effort into our relationship. Nerd alert, but it is absolutely fascinating studying the Bible. Reading it is the first step, but doing research, hearing different interpretations, and forming your own opinion is super cool. The more I learn, the more I realize how little I know.

But sometimes basking in the sun starts to get a little uncomfortable. We start sweating. Or it hurts our eyes. Anyone notice another parallel here?

While reading and studying the Bible is beneficial, it can also get uncomfortable. We realize how little we know. We realize things we were taught are not always Biblically sound, even if someone we trusted told us they were. And most of all, we start to realize how unfaithful and sinful humans truly are.

But ladies and gents, there’s always a silver lining. Being in the sun may make us uncomfortable, but we should be thankful we have the sun. I’ll say it this way: Being in the Son (in the Word, in the Spirit, etc.) may make us uncomfortable, but we should be thankful we have THE Son.

Even though the sun makes me sweat and squirm and want to go back inside after a while, I take it for granted. When stormy days come and it seems the sun is nowhere in sight, all I long for is the sun. Jesus may challenge us. The Word may challenge us. The Spirit may challenge us. But on days when I’m hopeless-when I wonder what good could come out of a situation…what good could come from a global pandemic- I’m reminded that all I want is the Son.

Even though we sometimes take it for granted and forget He teaches for our good, the Son is still our sun. He consumes us. We long for His glory. When we feel Him, our whole body knows His presence. The more I focus on how He consumes me, drives me, and even challenges me, the more I want to lean in.

Friends, rainy days happened, they are happening, and they will happen. But so will the sunshine. The sunshine that covers so vast an area and never seizes to bring a smile to our face. The Son has shined. He is shining. He will shine tomorrow.

Thank you, Lord, for this “beautiful adventure” in which we are reminded in the tough times that it is the simple things in life we must never take for granted. Thank you for the sunshine. Thank you for the Son who shines.

It’s been a while, hasn’t it? I feel like I get inspired to write, but then it just leaves me. And I don’t want to write unless I believe God is telling me something… something worth sharing. So as I sit here thinking, typing, hands shaking, I know the Holy Spirit is working within me to share something He has put on my heart.

A constant re-occurrence in my life lately has been the thought of “pursuit.” How God pursues us, how we are called to pursue others, etc. I’ve been in the Word, reading the whole Bible in 90 days (talk about trying to stay disciplined), and I’ve noticed a pattern throughout Scripture. God is the prime example of what it looks like to pursue people.

The Israelites, in as nice of a way to say it, screw up… ALL THE TIME. They are God’s chosen people, but they continually step away from Him and His teachings. They worship other gods, disobey His commandments, and question His purpose and faithfulness. A few examples of these are II Kings 17: 7-8, Exodus 32: 2-10, and Psalm 106: 24-25. ((Side note, I just typed that previous line and the song that came on Spotify was “Pursue/ All I Need is You” by Hillsong Worship. I see you, God.)) Despite all the mess-ups of the Israelites, God never fails to provide for them, turn them back to Him, and strengthen them in their faith. Yes… God allowed Israel to fall to Assyria and Judah to the Babylonians. They completely destroyed the temple in Jerusalem and sent His people into exile. Don’t get me wrong, God is a just God, and He punishes us. But like little children, we must understand our actions, our sins, our disobedience, has repercussions.

But who are we to punish others for how they treat us? Do not misunderstand me: some relationships are abusive, and you need to get out of them. But normally the way we treat people is the same way we treat God: Only reach out when you need something…Only reach out when it’s convenient for you…Only fully pursue someone when you know they will reciprocate it. I am preaching to the choir here because I ask myself, “Lauren, how many times have you stepped back because you were viewing this relationship as a transaction?” We sometimes don’t even realize we are doing it, but we don’t pursue people the way Christ desires us to. Christ was endless in His pursuit of us. He went about teaching, healing, and proclaiming the Good News… especially to the marginalized – to the people that others thought didn’t deserve it (I’m learning about this in NT Survey as we go through Luke). Jesus could not GET anything from these people, yet He loved them. Maybe instead of pouring into others based on if we believe they deserve it, we should pour into others recklessly, whole-heartedly, and unselfishly…just like Jesus did.

I believe when God wants to speak to us, He often uses patterns. You know when the sermon at church, the Bible Study lesson, and the guest speaker in Chapel all relate to something you’re going through? I’ve noticed in times of my life that God has used people that want to distance themselves for whatever reason. Maybe they don’t want to be hurt. Maybe they don’t want people to leave. Whatever the case, these people sometimes feel hard to pursue. It is much easier to let them be, throw our hands in the air, and then say “I’ve done everything I can. I’m done.” But the problem with that is the word “I.” We may feel done. But God isn’t. God is never done in His pursuit of His children.

While I may be done giving of myself, maybe I need to stop focusing on what I can accomplish and focus on what God can accomplish. See I think our motivation is often on what WE can do to help this person or how WE can show this person we care about them. But I’ll be honest, I haven’t prayed about it as much as I should have. I’ve relied on myself and my mentality and what I can give to this person. But that’s not what they need! That’s not what any of us need! What we ultimately need is Christ, and what we need next is people who show us the love of Christ. We must fill ourselves up, so we can give to others. As soon as we feel like we can no longer give, we are relying on ourselves rather than relying on His Spirit. Take a step back and recharge, but don’t stop pursuing people.

Be so filled with love that people cannot help but see there is something different about you. And when they see you and ask, be humble in yourself but boast in Christ. My patience wears thin, but His does not. My attitude gets snappy, but He is gentle. My pursuit of others is sometimes inconsistent, but through Him I must learn that just like He gives me many chances and continually pursues me, I must give grace to others and steadfastly pursue them.

God, thank you for revealing yourself to me in the most minute ways. I pray for eyes that seek You in every situation. I pray for a heart that does not become hardened to those around me. I pray for ears that are able to listen and hear You clearly. I pray for lips that speak kindly to others and that have the words from You that are right in the moment. I pray for a mind that is captivated by Your word and that wants to learn more about you. Thank you for this “beautiful adventure” of grasping the notion that we are called to pursue others as you pursue us.

Tattoos…there’s differing opinions on them. What could you possibly want on your body that will be there forever? What if your job won’t let you have them? Whatever your personal opinion may be, hear me out. What if a tattoo opened up doors to share Jesus with people? The artist in me loves my tattoo and the specific meaning each part has. Today, I want to talk about the inspiration behind my tattoo and how I believe I can use it to share my testimony.

My tattoo is a sunshine, mountain, and ocean and underneath it, it says “rescued.” First and foremost, each of these 4 aspects relates to a Christian song I love. So let’s jump right in!

I always feel God moving when I hear the song “Tremble” by Mosaic MSC. The lyrics say, “Jesus, Jesus, you make the darkness tremble. Jesus, Jesus, you silence fear…Your name is a light that the shadows can’t deny.” Wow. That’s powerful. I immediately think of the hard times I’ve been through in my life. When I feel alone, ashamed, or unworthy. And then I remember how I’ve made it through each of those times. Jesus brought me out of the darkness and into the light. He shut out the Devil. He shut out my fear. He shut out the negativity I was engulfed in. He broke through my walls, struck the core of my heart, and said “Here, I’m your light. I’m your hope. I’m your sunshine.” And so friends, when I tell people about my tattoo, I’ll tell them He is our light and no one is beyond His redemption.

“Hills and Valleys” by Tauren Wells is another worship song that’s near to my heart. The lines that are my favorite go as follows: “On the mountains I will bow my life to the One who sent me there. In the valley I will lift my eyes to the One who sees me there. When I’m standing on the mountain I didn’t get there on my own. When I’m walking through the valley I know I am not alone.” These lyrics are genius. Each line works together so beautifully and while they contrast, they have similarities that make them comparable to each other. Plus, I love mountains in general. I love standing at the top of a mountain, looking out, and being in awe of His creation. And so this part of my tattoo represents the fact that we should cry to Him in the valleys and shout to Him on the mountains. God wants us to be in constant communication with Him…not just when we need Him. He loves to hear about our victories. So in our lives when we struggle, cry out to Him, but don’t forget to shout in praise when you’re on the mountain. He is always there and always wants to hear from us.

A classic worship song called “Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)” by Hillsong United is the inspiration for the ocean part of my tattoo. My favorite part is the lyrics “Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders. Let me walk upon the waters wherever you would call me.” I’ve served on several mission trips, and I plan to go on more. Part of the reason teaching is the profession I’ve been called to is so I can have flexible summers that would allow me to serve on mission trips. I want to have the kind of faith that believes “Lord, I don’t know how I will raise the money or even exactly where I’m going, but I’m listening. And I’m willing to go. Send me.” He’s put a desire in my heart to “just go” and to spread His word…somehow…someway.

The line “rescued” comes from Lauren Daigle’s song “Rescue.” Every time I hear this song I’m on the brink of tears. It goes like this, as if God were speaking to us: “I will send out an army to find you, in the middle of the darkest night…It’s true. I will rescue you.” This relates somewhat to the song “Tremble” and the sunshine. It blows my mind how God is so faithful in rescuing us. I’ve been rescued from my sins and eternal damnation. I’ve been rescued from shame and guilt and insecurities. I’ve instead been marked “Child of God,” “Forgiven,” and most of all “Rescued.” Because without Him…I’d still be trapped. And so this last part of my tattoo is a testament to how God’s grace works. It is available for everyone, and it’s a free gift. All He wants us to do is accept it and believe in Him.

Thank you Lord for art and the powerful emotions and concepts that can be expressed with it. Thank you for inspiring people to write music that captures Your glory. Thank you, Rescuer, for this “beautiful adventure” that allows me to answer people’s questions about my tattoo in order for it to point back to You.

In some way or another, we all experience hardships. Whether we’re sick, experienced loss, or trying to be there for someone who’s hurting, we have to learn how to navigate these waters. Each of us have a story. And sometimes these stories are dark… or at least they have dark moments. I’ve had a few painful times, but God genuinely used my pain, my confusion, and my helplessness to teach me lessons.

I walked into the doctor this summer for a sports’ physical. It was the last one I had to go to before I went off to college to play volleyball. I’d never had problems in these checkups, and I hadn’t had a serious injury since my freshman year. It seemed like any other day to me.

The doctor is doing everything you’d expect…checking my heart, checking my spine for scoliosis, blah blah blah. Until it was no longer “Blah, blah, blah.” She was feeling around my neck and making sure everything was normal and she blurts out, “How long have you had this cyst?” My mom and I glanced at each other and I say, “Uhh..what cyst?” She explained to my mom and me that I had a cyst on my throat. She couldn’t tell us much else, but she recommended I go see someone else about it.

Background info: I remember in high school my friends and I talking and joking about this lump in my throat. I always thought I just had a larger Adam’s Apple than most girls. LADIES! If your Adam’s Apple is showing, I promise you, it’s not an Adam’s Apple. Go get it checked out because this issue I was having is apparently very common in young ladies and adult women. Turns out after looking back through pictures and videos, I’d had this nodule on my throat since freshman year of high school, and it had been growing…and not a single one of the doctors for previous physicals I had to have every year volleyball, ever said a thing about it.

Anyways… From here, a series of events occurred. “You need to go to another doctor and get an ultrasound” So we did that. “Yeah, it’s definitely big enough for us to be concerned so you need to get a biopsy.” So we did that. “We can’t tell if it’s cancerous, but it is large enough for it needing to be removed.” So here I was, the summer before my first semester in college, about to play a sport where I needed my voice (this part is important), and I was in a hospital having surgery. So we did that. And praise the Lord there were no complications. They removed the left half of my thyroid; the side that had the nodule on it. And it was NOT cancerous. Little did I know the tough times would be after the surgery.

As surprising as it was, I was calm about the surgery. I had little spurts of nerves every now and then, but I kept it together. I believed there was no need to worry. Whatever the news was, I knew God had it. It would suck if it was cancerous. It was frightening to go under and think I could’ve ended up in a coma. But I could’ve entertained myself with those thoughts all day. It wasn’t worth it. There was no need to worry, and it wouldn’t do any good until we knew after my operation if it had been cancerous.

No, the hard part has been the 5 months after. While in the surgery, I had a breathing tube. And I was warned this operation made people lose their voices for a while but I was thinking like 3 weeks…max. And knowing me I was like, “I’ll bounce back faster. Give me one week.” But here I am 5 months later still not completely recovered. I can’t shout. My voice doesn’t carry. I’ve been at a table with people and everyone has to get quiet in order to hear me, and if there’s a lot of background noise they still can’t hear me. And so it’s been frustrating. Trying to communicate with your teammates on the court and them not being able to hear you when they’re right next to you is disheartening. It was difficult when I was on the bench and the person beside me had to ask me about three time what I’d said. And who knew that cheering on my teammates to the point where I get lightheaded is something I’d miss most?

So yeah… not being able to speak, sing, or even yell at full capacity has been rough. But God has been teaching me a lesson I think He could’ve only taught me had I gone through this surgery. See, I never minded being the “jokester.” I never minded speaking up. I could break the silence and speak up to say something heartfelt. I could speak the first word to strangers. But I believe that through this dark time, I can sum up in one word the lesson God has been whispering to me: Listen.

I thought I was a good listener; at least I thought I was…until now, when sometimes all I can do IS listen. I wondered now, “Is what I have to say worth quieting everyone down for?” “Will what I have to say add meaning to this conversation?” “Will this speak life into someone, or will this sarcastic comment I’d normally say, tear them down?” And that’s when I began to get it: I was too busy hearing myself, hearing others, and focusing on the world that I had forgotten what it was like to hear God.

And as I began to realize what He was teaching me, my perspective changed. Instead of weeping in my room and being overwhelmed with frustration, I had to let go. I had to comprehend that even if I never get my voice back completely, He is still good and He still has a purpose for me. And even typing this now makes me emotional. For so long I relied on my voice. And who knew that the simple act of speaking is something we so often take for granted? But I had to come to terms with the fact that God will still allow me to have a purpose and be used by Him even if I don’t have a loud, presence controlling voice. Here’s an idea: start a blog. I see you, God. I see you.

And so as I sit here and wrap this up, I want everyone to know that YOU have a purpose and a calling. And the place He may have you in now may not always be the place He has you stay in, good or bad. I sometimes look back and roll my eyes at the fact that it could’ve been so much worse. And lots of people have it worse than me. But God has put different obstacles in everyone’s path, and I firmly believe that the hard times strengthen us in some way. Maybe He’s trying to teach us something. Maybe He’s trying to teach us patience or faith. Maybe He’s trying to heal us, so we can mentor someone later who has dealt with the same thing. Whatever it may be, hear me when I say this: He sees you, He knows you, and He has not abandoned you.

Healer, thank you for this valley that I’ve been in. I praise you not only in the storm, but in the light I found while I was in it. Thank you for opening my eyes to these hard situations and helping me gain perspective. Thank you for this “beautiful adventure” we call hope.

Last year I had the privilege of attending the Passion Conference 2019. Passion is a Christian conference for college aged students, but high school seniors are allowed to attend as well. I got word of the conference and ended up going with a local church. Little did I know the life change Christ was planning.

Have you ever been complacent? Have you felt stagnant in your Christian walk? I didn’t really know that I had…until I no longer was. Most of the time you don’t realize you’re complacent until you’re no longer complacent. For me, I didn’t realize I was “settling” in my spiritual walk until I felt a fire burning in my soul after Passion.

Something about the worship, inspiring messages, and vulnerable conversations with my best friend during Passion radically changed my life. It was one of those moments where I was like, “Wow. I get it.” I came back from the experience wanting to incorporate Jesus into every conversation. I listened to only worship music for two weeks or so. I started journaling and wanting to be disciplined in my faith. It was one of those experiences where you know God is present, and you will remember the impact He had on you for the rest of your life.

And I use this time to say from the depths of my soul, I am begging you to be a part of Passion 2020. The dates are from December 31-January 2 in Atlanta, Georgia. Attend the conference. Or tune in live from home. Whatever the case, put yourself in the mix. It is completely worth it. I pray God works as much as He did last year in my life and in others.

Thank you God for your Holy Spirit who lives inside of us. Thank you for opening my eyes to your restorative power. There is nothing I or anyone can do that can separate us from Your unconditional love. You consistently pursue us, even when we fail to recognize it. Thank you Lord for Passion and for uniting thousands of students through your presence. It was a “beautiful adventure” last year, and I pray for nothing less this year.